Is My Desperation Showing?

Dr. Pamela Everett Thompson Psy.D

Are you finding yourself a bit too eager to find THE ONE that it just shows in your every gesture and facial expression and comment/question posed to a member of the opposite sex. A good male friend recently shared with me that in the 12 or so years that he had been single again following his divorce, he’d had only ONE woman to resist his sexual advances on the first date. He then proceeded to share with me how his “rap” worked. It was so-o-o-o transparent that I thought to myself, “Really? Somebody falls for that?” I mean his smooth operation and all-too-polished charm just reeked of P-L-A-Y-E-R.

Anyway, the point is that a lot of women cave in sexually, thinking this will leave a lasting impression on the guy. However, my male friends tell me often that it renders these females quite forgettable—until the next urge hits. The guys I know are looking for a woman to be set apart, to actually stand on her convictions even if it means he has to leave her alone FOR NOW. As guys have explained to me, he will remember the one who had the potential to make him a better man.

It seems that a lot of women let their desperation show in their sexual compliance while others may show it in expressed anxiety about the distance of time since the last conversation; or others will blow up a guy’s cell phone leaving irritable messages, if not outright demands, for a return response. Others will text a guy to death and hang on his every 5-word response-- as though a texted response really means anything-- when he could really be out with another woman WHILE he’s texting back. Still other women tolerate disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal treatment and think they’re proving their commitment, when in actuality they’re teaching the guy he doesn’t have to observe any standards when interacting with her.

So as not to leave men out of the discussion, desperate ploys can work both ways. Though it’s been many years since I was in the dating game, I do recall a couple of guys whose desperation slipped through on the first date in ways far different from the women I’ve described of course. One guy, on our first date, mentioned that he wanted me to meet his mother the next week. “Uhhh, can I first learn what your last name is” I thought to myself. Needless to say, I didn’t meet his mother. Another guy, again on the first date, began to make long range plans (like months down the road) for things we could do together. “Umm, let’s just enjoy the appetizers first,” I remember thinking. I was scared off by both of these guys.

Perhaps you have your own stories where you felt the person was looking for too much too soon, and the presumptions were more than you could bear. Share your experiences, so others may learn the warning signs of appearing desperate. In the meantime, be mindful to live YOUR life with a thirst for God’s living water and a hunger for His daily bread as you engage in hobbies, interests, opportunities to learn, serve, travel, fellowship, and to study and pray with steadfast commitment to Him as your first love. Then, you won’t be caught with your desperation showing. You know why? Because your life will reflect purposeful choices rather than attachments you feel compelled to cling to because there was no one else with whom to spend time or anything better to do.

Dr. Pamela Thompson is an Atlanta-based clinical psychologist and life coach. Her therapy was instrumental in helping me to overcome a traumatic relationship, and I wholeheartedly endorse her services. Hear more from Dr. Thompson at and